Letting the warm-fuzzies do their thing:

FYI: This is a really long post.

I am not gonna’ lie. Last week was a LONG week. Between getting our hopes up, and gently letting hopes down, crazy kids at work (the cute kind of crazy), a crazy professor with a scary stats test (the not so cute kind of crazy), and a to-do list with 98 things on it, my metaphorical gas tank was on empty. I know I sound like a whiner. I will admit it, I am one. The nice thing about it though is when we ask for blessings, The Lord delivers, and usually through other people.

This person right here was the deliverer. Mrs. R is quite the adoption celebrity in the blogosphere. I can’t remember how I stumbled across her daily snippets of wisdom, but I am hooked. I guess maybe because she’s walked in my shoes and I often feel that no one wears my size. Last night we went to our first FSA fireside and Mrs. R was the guest speaker.

She began by quoting Dieter F. Uchtdorf’s talk, The Infinite Power of Hope. I thought that was a little funny since I had been drawn to the same talk earlier on in the week (I posted a snippet on my blog below last Thursday.) Elder Uchtdorf’s words really resonate with me, especially since I have been having “hope issues”. As a “hopeful adoptive parent” you would think that would mean super cheery, bubbly, and excited; looking forward to THE phone call or THE email that signifies THE moment that you are chosen to be a parent. I want to be all of those things. But I will be the first of many to tell you the truth. It is so hard. Hard to trust. Hard to trust that it will happen, hard to trust that other people will grant you the things you want more than anything in this life, hard to trust that the Lord will remember you…

It is so easy to let yourself feel forgotten.

Elder Uchtdorf reminds us why it is so important to maintain this stuff called hope:

“Hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. Its absence—when this desire of our heart is delayed—can make “the heart sick.”

The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.

Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear.”

Mrs. R then went on to connect President Monson’s Warm Fuzzies talk to how so many of us feel about infertility, adoption, and hope. When asked what President Monson wanted for his birthday he asked people to do something kind for someone else who needed it. In the adoption world, all we need a little kindness, understanding, and HOPE. Mrs. R brought us the Warm Fuzzy jar of hope.

To put it simply, when you get married, your jar is overflowing with these warm-fuzzies of hope. You just know you are going to get the perfect job, with the perfect house, and fill it with the perfect children who have all of your best features and all of this will come into your life with perfect timing…

And then, the doctor says, “Sorry, that dream isn’t for you.” And then all of the warm-fuzzies fall out of the jar. Either that or the jar gets thrown against the wall and shatters into a million pieces. Probably more of the second one, if I had to pick. You just feel empty. Numb. Alone. Weak. Broken.

Mrs. R hit the nail on the head. She knew exactly how I felt at the bottom of my own little despair barrel. How does one come back from this? How could someone regain the strength required to maintain that sense of hope in the future that is so necessary to be happy in life? She shared this quote:

“Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken...but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.”

I was thinking last night about broken hearts. Wondering how many times it felt shattered and I had the task of putting it back together again. Then it hit me that it will continue to break for the rest of my life and I will always end up putting it back together. It helped me to think of my broken heart more as a puzzle that I know all too well rather than shards of broken glass. If the Lord requires a broken heart and a contrite spirit, I am an expert. Maybe through all this I will prove to be stronger than I ever thought I could be.

If I can find the strength to put my broken heart together again, maybe I can find the strength to hope. Elder Uchtdorf gave this definition of hope:

“Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is confidence that if we live according to God’s laws and the words of His prophets now, we will receive desired blessings in the future. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance.”

And so it is back to trusting in the Lord. I know that God is in the details. I know he knows how this all plays out. Hope is not knowledge but trust that the Lord is going to keep his end of the deal. So how do we get to the business of filling a new hope jar?

Mrs. R talked about in order to have a new dream, you have to let the old one die. This is so hard. Getting our papers in and getting our profile up seemed like the start of a new dream, but have I really let the old one go? The dreams of hearing the heart beat for the first time. The dream of feeling the first flutter of life inside me. The dream of watching my “innie” turn into an “outie”. The dreams of swapping pregnancy stories and maternity clothes. Dreams that I have looked forward to and yet I know they will never be realized in this lifetime, are so hard to let go of.

This brings me back though to a discussion with a friend awhile back though about infertility, asking myself, “Do I want to be pregnant, or do I want to be a mother?”

I want to be a mother.

This is what gives me the courage to believe in the new dream. The dream of holding a new life that I can teach about all the wonderful things in this world. A life that I can show how wonderful and beautiful the gospel of Jesus Christ really is. A life that will magnify the love of our family a million times over.

It is scary to hope for something that you want so badly because if you don’t get it you feel like you will quite literally die. It is scary to hope for something like this because I have no control over any of it. It is all up to the will of two young parents, the inspiration of the spirit, and guidance of the Lord. But what kind of mother would I be if I didn’t throw my fears aside and let hope in? I know it will happen… eventually.

Reasons to be hopeful in the new dream (Courtesy of Mrs. R of course):

• The sealing power is more powerful than DNA.
  


• The Lord asked Abraham to give up Isaac (his fertility miracle) not because he wanted to see if Abraham would be obedient—he knew he would be; but because Abraham needed to know Abraham would be willing follow the Lord. {The Lord already has faith in us; he gave us this trial because he knew we could handle it.}
  


• We were made this way on purpose. We aren't broken. God doesn’t make mistakes. We are fulfilling our own unique measure of our creation through adoption.
  


• The scriptures are jam-packed with infertility and adoption stories including: Sarah, Hannah, Rachel, Elizabeth, Moses, and yes, even Jesus Christ was adopted (by Joseph).
  


• 10-15% of the Lord’s children experience infertility. Is it any wonder he has given us the stories above in the scriptures? {Others have walked our path. It isn’t easy but it is achievable, with the help of our Savior.}
  


• As we walk this road we have an opportunity to have compassion. Compassion for people yearning for children, compassion for birthmothers who yearn to keep their babies, but walk in faith that they are doing what is best for their children, and compassion for those who just “don’t get it”. Weird I know, but some days it takes all of the compassion I can muster for those who suffer from ignorance. As we bare one another’s burdens we find hope in unity. There were probably at least 20 other couples there last night. It was amazing to actually see that we weren’t alone on our journey.
  


• Mrs. R’s quote: “If the Lord chastens who he loves, I must be his favorite child.”
  


• “Eventually” always comes. Just like the leaves eventually fall off the trees, they eventually come back. Just like the warm-fuzzies fell out of our jar, they will eventually come back. Just like the Lord “remembered Rachel”, eventually the Lord will remember Shannon. Just like we have prayed for our babies, they will eventually come home. Eventually will happen.
  

I am grateful for answered prayers. I am grateful for the word eventually. I am grateful for hope. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father, a Savior, and a Holy Spirit that make all of this possible.

And I am grateful for Mrs. R’s warm-fuzzies and the HOPE they brought me last night.